Villain School Page 3

“Shall we start back?” she asked.

  We returned to the main hallway, and I left Queen Catalina and Princess Ileana at the entrance to the girls’ dormitories.

  “Don’t you want to see my room?” Ileana asked.

  “Boys aren’t allowed in the villainesses’ hallway,” Queen Catalina said. “But we’ll see Rune at dinner, won’t we, Rune?”

  “Uh, sure,” I said, still thinking of Jezebel and hoping she wouldn’t be too mad if I brought Ileana to supper, and also hoping if she was mad that Ileana wouldn’t become supper. Jez was still not a big fan of the vampire diet, but I was willing to bet she’d make an exception for the princess.

  I made my way back to my own room. I was still thinking about how to handle Jezebel when I opened the door, so it took me a second to realize what I was seeing. There was my new roommate, Dodge VonDoe. Obviously he hadn’t expected anyone to walk in. He tried to hide it, but it was too late.

  “What. Are. Those?” I asked in horror.

  Dodge just stared at me, his mouth agape. Finally, he managed to find words.

  “I … They … The kids at Morgana’s must have slipped them in my suitcase. As a joke or something,” he said.

  He was holding a pair of what could only be described as blue tights. I mean bright blue. And sewn over them (yes, over) was a pair of what could only be described as red underpants. Bright red underpants.

  “They look like, like—” I was at a loss. I knew what they looked like, I just couldn’t believe it. “They look like a hero’s costume!” I accused.

  “No way!” Dodge stuffed the offensive tights into his suitcase and slammed the lid shut. “I told you. It was only a dumb joke. Just forget it, okay, Drexler?”

  I stared at him for a minute or two. What was I thinking? Of course it had to be a joke. A hero could never get past Morgana and Master Dreadthorn. His dad was a mad doctor, right? I was getting carried away.

  “Sorry, Dodge,” I said, then chuckled. “Pretty funny joke, though.”

  He laughed, too, and soon it was forgotten.

  Chapter Four

  Party and Prophecy

  “What’s up, guys?” Princess Ileana asked as she bounded over to our table with a level of enthusiasm that would’ve embarrassed any other villain. Wolf Junior moved down to make room for her. Across from us, Jez was reading a newsparchment.

  Over the past few weeks, both Dodge and Princess Ileana had adjusted to life at Master Dreadthorn’s School for Wayward Villains. Ileana wowed everyone with her lock-picking skills and ability to talk to flying animals—including the Dread Master’s cat-a-bat, Tabs, as well as the dragons. Dodge’s villainous side was a bit underdeveloped, but he was making progress, too.

  “I’ve nearly finished my doomsday device,” I said to the princess. “Have you started on yours yet?”

  “Yep,” she answered, then began to daintily sip at her milk, pinky extended. (It was stuff like this that made it hard to believe the princess was actually part villain.)

  Wolf and I exchanged glances.

  “And?” I asked.

  “What?” said Ileana.

  “What is it?”

  “Not telling,” she said. Then she smiled an evil grin that transformed her from an innocent princess into something much more disturbing. (It was stuff like this that made it easy to believe the princess was actually part villain.)

  I waited for Jez to make a smart comeback, but none came. Jezebel and Ileana, being a countess and princess respectively, had locked horns, or tiaras, on more than one occasion. Normally, the arrival of the bubbly blond princess at our table was enough to start a cat-a-bat fight, but Jez didn’t even seem to notice. She was engrossed in her newsparchment. On the front was a big article about a famous superhero.

  “There’s that snooty Doctor Do-Good again,” I said, leaning in to read the cover of Jez’s paper.

  “Who?” asked Ileana, also leaning forward.

  “He’s in charge over at the superhero school,” I said.

  “Oh, yeah!” said Wolf Junior, his ears pricking up. “He’s always in the news lately. Last month, one of his students saved some girl from a tower where a witch had her locked up. Used her hair for a rope.”

  “Hmm. Resourceful,” said Ileana.

  I exchanged a knowing smile with her. The princess and I had some experience escaping from tower prisons.

  “And a couple weeks ago, another one of his students saved some comatose princess,” I said. “Apparently an evil fairy clubbed her with a spinning wheel or something like that.”

  “Oooh. It says here his son was kicked out of hero school after failing a Quest,” said Ileana.

  “A Quest?” asked Wolf.

  “Yeah, you know how villains go on Plots. Well, a Quest must be like a Plot for superheroes,” said Ileana. “Listen.”

  She read aloud:

  Prominent local hero Doctor Do-Good was shamed and saddened by the recent news that his son, Deven Do-Good, failed a Quest to overthrow the sinister villain known as Morgana LeFay. Deven was a student at his father’s academy, Doctor Do-Good’s School for Superior Superheroes.

  Beside Jezebel, Dodge leaned around to look at the article with the rest of us. This finally got Jezebel’s attention, and she lowered the newsparchment to find all of us staring.

  “Do you mind?” she asked, giving us all a death glare.

  “Hey!” Ileana said, leaning over now to read the rest of the article. “Photo on page ten!”

  She snatched the paper from Jezebel and riffled through until she found the photo. “Aww. They’re both wearing masks,” she said sadly.

  “Well, if I had a name like Deven Do-Good, I wouldn’t show my face in public either,” Wolf said with a chuckle. “Hey!”

  Dodge had knocked over his milk right into Wolf’s lunch.

  “Oh, sorry,” he said, but he didn’t seem very sorry. He was still looking at the newsparchment.

  “What have I told you a hundred times, Dodge?” I asked.

  “What? Oh, uh, villains don’t apologize.” His eyes kept flicking from me to Wolf to the newsparchment. Sometimes Dodge seemed so confident, and other times he acted all nervous. It was almost like he was two different people.

  I leaned in to examine the photo of the dynamic Do-Good duo. The doctor’s crooked nose and whiskery beard poked out from beneath a mask. Beside him, the younger Do-Good’s face was also mostly concealed except for his cheesy superhero grin.

  “Excuse you!” Jezebel said, snatching the parchment back from Ileana. “You know, for a princess, you have terrible manners. Reflects poorly on your upbringing.”

  “Says the daughter of a bat,” said Ileana, with one of those fake smiles that girls get when they’re not really happy.

  “You did not just go there!” said Jezebel, her hands on her hips.

  “I think that’s our cue, guys,” I said, gathering my cloak and scrambling to my feet.

  Jez had picked up a spoonful of sheep liver and was about to fling it. Wolf, Dodge, and I hastily vacated the table before insults weren’t the only things being hurled by the villainesses.

  “So what are we doing tonight?” asked Wolf, panting and scratching behind his furry ear.

  “Giving you a flea bath,” I said.

  Wolf stopped scratching and growled. “I’m serious.”

  “I dunno. I really should finish my doomsday device,” I said. “It’s due tomorrow.”

  “Oh c’mon, Drexler. You’ve got loads of time,” said Dodge. “Let’s do something fun.”

  “Did I hear someone say ‘fun’?” asked Ileana as she caught up with us. She had the newsparchment tucked under her arm and a stain on her dress that looked suspiciously like sheep liver.

  “We’re trying to think of something to do tonight,” said Wolf Junior.

  “I know! Let’s have a party,” said Ileana.

  “You’re not having a party without me!” said Jez, running after us. She had a stain on her dress, too. Only it was a lot b
igger than Ileana’s.

  “Where are we going to have a party, exactly?” I asked.

  “Rune! What about the secret passage my mother showed us?” said Ileana.

  “What secret passage?” asked Dodge. “Does it lead to Dreadthorn’s office?”

  “No, why would you think that?” I asked.

  “Oh,” he said with a shrug, “I dunno. He just, you know, seems like the type who would creep around in secret passages.”

  We explained to the others about the passage behind the Great Clock. I’d been using it as a shortcut to the dragon dungeons ever since Queen Catalina had showed it to us. Everyone agreed it sounded like a great idea. We all promised to bring something to eat. Then we talked about entertainment.

  “Who has some games?” I asked, rubbing my hands together. A party was starting to sound like fun.

  “I’ve got Conopoly,” said Jez.

  “And I’ve got Shoots and Slaughters,” I said.

  “I’ve got Commandy Land,” said Ileana. “My mom just bought it for me.”

  “That’s a baby game,” said Jezebel.

  “You have sheep liver in your hair,” said Ileana.

  “You have ugly on your face,” said Jez, leaning toward the princess and balling her pale hand into a fist.

  “Okay!” I said, stepping between the villainesses. “We’ll all meet after last period by the Great Clock.”

  After the last class, I dashed back to my dorm, tossed a few fire ants to Eye of Newt, and threw a couple games in my dragonskin pack. Then I made my way to the kitchens, where I’d told Dodge to meet me.

  “Okay,” I said when I saw him. “I’ll distract Cook while you grab some grub.”

  Cook was the gnarled old pirate in charge of feeding all us villains. He was big and beefy, with lots of tattoos and only one eye. But one was enough.

  “Can’t you just hex him or something?” asked Dodge, sounding impatient. I noticed he had been getting more and more irritable since he’d arrived. I figured maybe he was just anxious to prove himself and get back to Morgana’s school.

  “Uh, no! Have you seen Cook? We do not want to get on his bad side!”

  I went over the plan, then Dodge hid behind a door while I lured Cook into the corridor.

  “I’m sure there was a crocodile in the hall,” I said. Cook had a vendetta for crocodiles; apparently one ate his cousin’s hand or something.

  “An’ just how did a croc get inter the school, eh?” he asked, following me out of the kitchen. Behind him, Dodge slipped around the doorway.

  “Um, I dunno,” I said, trying not to let my eyes flicker to the kitchen door. “Maybe somebody conjured it up in Spelling class?”

  “Are ye pullin’ me leg? Ye know what ’appens to villains who pull Cook’s leg?” he growled, leaning closer, his gold tooth gleaming. “I cooks ’em up an’ serves ’em fer supper.”

  I made a mental note never to eat Cook’s mystery meat loaf again, even as my eyes wandered toward the kitchen.

  “So do ye wanna change yer story, me bucko?” asked Cook. He was so close now I could see bits of food between his teeth.

  From over the old pirate’s shoulder, I saw Dodge with a sack full of food. He gave me the all-clear signal and slipped back behind the door. I sighed with relief.

  “Well,” I said, “now that I think about it, I might have just seen a giant slug that looked like a crocodile.”

  “Aye,” said Cook.

  With a nervous smile, I backed away and hurried down the hall. Dodge met up with me, and we made our way to the Great Clock. Princess Ileana and Wolf Junior were both waiting with their arms full of party supplies. A minute later, Jezebel caught up with us.

  “Sorry,” she said, panting. “I had to finish packing. I just have such an extensive wardrobe.”

  Beside her, Ileana rolled her eyes.

  “Packing?” I asked. “For what?”

  “Never mind! Just hurry!” she said, glancing around. We all knew if Master Dreadthorn caught us throwing a party, he’d have us dangling over a boiling cauldron quicker than we could say double, double, toil and trouble.

  Ileana found the switch and soon we were all climbing down the winding stairway. The princess took the lead, torch in hand. Before long we reached the round room Queen Catalina had called the Prophecy Cave.

  “This is awesome!” Wolf Junior said as Ileana went around lighting all the wall torches.

  “Look at this door!” said Jezebel. “It must be a bazillion years old. Did you see these words?” She read the prophecy aloud to everybody.

  “Yeah, Ileana’s mom said she had allies who were full-villain twins, but they kept it secret,” I said.

  Jezebel and Wolf both looked up at the mention of full-villain twins.

  “Full-villain? Not halfsies?” asked Wolf. “That’s weird.”

  “I wonder if your dad knew them,” said Jez as she unpacked the games. “He went to school the same time as the queen, didn’t he?”

  “Yeah. Although he never said anything to me about villain twins.”

  My dad never said anything to me, period, unless it was something about me getting detention, or me being a failure, or me needing to scrub slug slime in the halls.

  “Well, who could blame him?” asked Wolf. “Betrayal, secrets, and power-stealing all sound pretty good, but ‘villains into heroes made’? That’s not cool. Who would want to be a hero? Bleck!”

  “Who’s hungry?” asked Dodge suddenly.

  I got a funny feeling he was trying to change the subject, but since I was starving, I let it pass. The conversation strayed away from the prophecy, and it didn’t take long before we were all eating and talking and playing Conopoly.

  “I’d like to buy two evil lairs on Dark Place and one on Plank Walk,” I said to Dodge, who was the Corporate Villain in charge of the money.

  Dodge passed me three little black castles, but he still seemed kind of edgy, like he didn’t really care about the game. I put my castles on the board. Then it was Wolf’s turn. He rolled the dice and had to draw a mystery card. He wagged his tail in excitement and knocked all of my evil lairs off the board.

  “Watch it!” I said, pushing his tail away and repositioning my pieces.

  Then his ears sagged and he let out a doggy whimper as he read: “‘Your evil scheme to tie the princess to the train tracks failed. You must pay the owner of the railroad two hundred gold pieces for derailing the train and go directly to the Dungeon.’”

  “Why would a villain want to tie a princess to train tracks?” Ileana asked with a huff.

  “I can think of a few reasons,” said Jezebel.

  Jezebel was owner of the railroad. She was already holding out her hand to Wolf for the gold. Wolf gloomily handed the money to Jez and was still sulking when I reminded him he had a “Get Out of the Dungeon Free” card.

  “Oh yeah!” Wolf was so happy he drooled all over the card before handing it to Dodge.

  “Keep it,” Dodge said irritably. “I think we’d all rather be stuck in the Dungeon than have to touch that card.” Wolf’s tail sagged in shame.

  Jez’s turn landed her on Ileana’s property. “Pay up,” Jez said.

  “I’ve never played before, so maybe I don’t understand,” said Ileana. “I have to pay all of you when I land on your properties. That makes sense. But when you land on mine, why do I have to give you a tax?”

  “Because we’re real villains and you’re gullible,” said Jezebel with an evil smile and a wink at me. Wolf Junior started snickering into his paw.

  “You’re cheating!” Ileana accused. We all broke out laughing. “Oh, very funny! Prank the new girl.”

  She huffed off toward the stairway and refused to talk to us.

  “Oh, c’mon, Ileana! We were just messing around. Come back. Let’s play a new game,” I said.

  “How about truth or scare?” Jez asked, motioning for Wolf to clean up the Conopoly board, like he was some kind of servant. He growled at her under h
is breath.

  “Okay. Are you in, Ileana?” I asked.

  “Fine. But only if you promise not to cheat!”

  “Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in your eye,” I said.

  “It’s my eye,” said Ileana as she shuffled back to the group.

  “That’s what I said, your eye.” I poked her in the shoulder and winked.

  She pouted some more, but sat back on the floor with us.

  “You can start, Ileana,” I said.

  She stopped sulking, tossed her blond hair over her shoulder, and broke into a big smile.

  “Okay, Dodge. Truth or scare?”

  “Truth, I guess,” Dodge said, sounding kind of nervous.

  “Um, how’d you get that scar on your eyebrow?” Ileana pointed at Dodge’s face.

  “From my dad,” he said. “He was teaching me how to fly and—”

  “Fly?” I asked.

  “Uh, I mean fly-fish. Fly-fishing. Anyway, there was an accident and I got a scar.”

  “Like a hook in the eye or something?” I asked.

  Everyone leaned in. Villains love gory details.

  “Something like that,” said Dodge. “Rune, truth or scare?”

  I could tell Dodge didn’t want to talk about it. He wouldn’t look any of us in the eye and was fidgeting with his bootlace. I wondered if maybe he was lying and he’d gotten his scar in some disgraceful way, like saving someone. We all had our faults, so I let it drop. Wolf managed to scare Dodge a couple times, but most of us chose truth, because let’s face it: scaring a villain is no small task.

  “Your turn again, Rune,” said the countess.

  “Truth.”

  “I’ve got one!” said Ileana. “We know your dad. What’s your mother like?”

  For a moment, I sat there with my mouth open. I closed it quickly and looked away.

  “I don’t know,” I answered.

  “You don’t know?” asked the princess.

  “Nope. Never met her,” I said, folding my arms across my chest.

  “But why?” asked Ileana.

  “None of us know our non-villain parents,” said Jez. “It’s one of the perks of being a villain. I personally would be embarrassed of my non-villain mother. If she was alive.”