Villain School Read online

  We talked until daybreak about classes. I told him about last semester’s Plot and how I’d earned the rank of Fiend. We even speculated about what it would take to invade the girls’ dorms and promised to plan a raid soon. Finally, when we’d exhausted ourselves, we fell asleep.

  Chapter Two

  No Hugging in the Halls

  The next night was Saturday. We got up, got dressed, and made our way to the cafeteria cave for breakfast.

  Wolf and Jezebel were already there. My plan was to take Dodge through the line and join the others at the table. However, the plan failed utterly when we were approached by an Apprentice troll who towered over us like a small mountain.

  A brief description for anyone who has never seen a troll: They look kind of like humans, but their heads are tiny and mostly bald, with big, bulbous noses and pointy, oversized ears. They have arms like apes, huge flat feet, and generally look like a bunch of potatoes that have been glued together. The forest variety is distinctly tree-ish and usually easier to manage than the heartier (and uglier) mountain variety. They are always mean.

  The troll smashed one immense fist into his other hand menacingly.

  “I was in line here,” he said to me and Dodge as he budged in front of us.

  It was a blatant lie, but I wasn’t going to argue. Two hundred pounds of angry troll can’t be wrong.

  Even if I wanted to contest the troll and risk a fight, there was no way a teacher was going to help if things got out of hand. At a regular school, maybe. But at a school for villains? The teachers would only encourage the troll to pulverize us.

  “Listen up, troll,” Dodge said, holding out his hand to block the troll’s way. “I don’t believe you were here in line. I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to stand aside and let us pass.”

  “What?” the troll thundered.

  Most of the cafeteria had already been staring at the new kid when we walked in. Now everybody was staring.

  “Uh, Dodge,” I said, discreetly tapping his shoulder. “Not the best idea.”

  “Oh, don’t worry, Rune. Our friend … What was your name again?” Dodge turned to the troll.

  “Frank,” the troll bellowed, his eyes red with rage.

  “Our friend Freak was just leaving, weren’t you, FREAK?”

  “It’s Frank, pipsqueak, and I was not just leaving. I was just getting ready to kick your Crook behind into next Tuesday!”

  Freak, I mean Frank, made a motion of pushing up his sleeves, which was kind of comical since he didn’t have sleeves. But I didn’t laugh because Frank then pulled back one of his tree-trunk-size arms and balled his hand into a fist.

  I ducked. Dodge, however, just buffed his nails on his shirt, blew on them, and managed to look completely bored as he stifled a yawn. It was the final straw for Frank. The troll swung, sinking his heavy fist into Dodge’s face. Or at least, he should have hit Dodge’s face. But, by some miracle, his face was no longer there.

  In fact, Dodge had moved with lightning speed out of harm’s way and wound up behind Frank just as the towering troll threw the punch. Dodge kicked Frank in the backside with his boot, knocking him off balance. Two hundred pounds of sprawling troll slid down the cafeteria line, throwing tiny Crooks into the air like bowling pins.

  Frank wasn’t finished. He came back for another round, angrier than before. His hands opened on either side of Dodge’s head and crashed together like cymbals. Still, somehow, Dodge managed to move aside, while at the same time knocking Frank’s feet out from under him.

  This continued for a few more rounds. Always, the troll would attack first, but his bulk and strength were no match for the speed and catlike grace of the wiry new kid. It was like Dodge just floated through the air. Finally, the troll hit his head on the cave floor and knocked himself out. The entire cafeteria erupted in cheers, and gold exchanged hands as people settled up their bets on the outcome of the fight. Dodge stepped over Frank gingerly and proceeded through the breakfast line as if nothing strange had occurred.

  We made our way between tables of chattering kids (all staring openly and pointing) to where my allies were waiting. Across from us Wolf’s tongue lolled, and his tail wagged excitedly.

  “That was awesome! I’m Big Bad Wolf Junior, by the way.” Wolf held out a paw to shake with Dodge.

  “Oh yeah,” I said. “Guys, this is Dodge VonDoe. Dodge, these are my allies, Wolf and Jez.”

  “Countess Jezebel Izolde Valeska Dracula,” Jez corrected, holding out her hand to Dodge. He actually kissed it, which seemed kind of gross to me, but Jez ate it up. I mean, not literally. She was still on her mostly chocolate diet.

  We talked as we ate. I told them about giving Dodge a tour. When we got to the part about the girls’ dorms Jez interrupted.

  “Did you see all the new construction, then?”

  “No, what new construction?” I asked.

  “All the girls are buzzing about it. Apparently we’re getting a very important new student. Lots of added security. There’s a special dormcave being set up near the end of the girls’ corridor. Everybody says it’s the biggest one, but I assured them that mine is the biggest and nobody is coming here who outranks me.”

  Just then Jez’s face went pale. Well, paler. I mean, a vampire’s face is always pale. Beside her, Wolf’s eyes were huge and his tail drooped.

  Even before I turned, I knew who was behind me. He wore the usual imposing black, head to toe—black button-down shirt, black pants, black boots, and the long cloak trailing behind. One might observe certain similarities between the Dread Master’s wardrobe and my own. This, I might note, is purely by chance. I wasn’t copying him or anything! It’s just that a villain only has so many wardrobe choices. I mean, think about it. When’s the last time a villain took over the world wearing sneakers and sweatpants?

  “You must be Master Dreadthorn! I’m Dodge VonDoe, transfer student from Morgana’s school.” Dodge extended his hand.

  The Dread Master stared at Dodge and said nothing. He didn’t bother shaking his hand, either. Eventually, the dazzling smile faded from Dodge’s face, and he cleared his throat before sitting back down.

  “My study, Rune. Now.”

  “But it’s Saturday,” I said weakly.

  “Oh, I’m dreadfully sorry. I didn’t realize villains take weekends off now. World domination will just have to wait until Monday, is that it?”

  “See you later, guys,” I said mournfully as I pulled myself up from my half-eaten breakfast.

  “I need to see you, too, Countess,” he added.

  Jezebel stared openmouthed at Master D. “Me?” she asked.

  “In one hour,” Master Dreadthorn said, then left.

  I followed the Dread Master to his study, wondering what kind of trouble Jez was in. Outside the study door, Tabs—the Dread Master’s cat-a-bat—hovered, waiting to be let in. Master Dreadthorn unlocked the door with a key that hung on a silver chain around his neck. The only other person who had a copy of the key was Master Stiltskin. And me, but of course Master D. didn’t know that.

  Tabs flew ahead to her favorite dusty, cobwebbed corner, folded her black wings against her furry sides, and curled up to sleep. Master Dreadthorn strode around his desk, placed both of his pale, long-nailed hands on it, and stared up at me. Behind him, locked in its glass case, the Dread Master’s crystal ball glowed red. As usual, I was not asked to sit down. So I stood beside a leather chair waiting to hear my doom, although I couldn’t think of what I’d done this time.

  “Someone broke into my study yesterday,” the Dread Master said.

  Now I remembered what I’d done this time.

  “It wasn’t me,” I lied. He appraised me with his sharklike eyes.

  “I didn’t say it was you, did I?”

  I gulped.

  “If it was you or … let’s say your new little friend, VonDoe, or any of your other little friends, you can be sure the consequences will be … severe.”

  The way he said severe
sent a tiny but potent glass of ice water down the back of my neck. I thought about confessing right there, which was probably what the old man had in mind, but I held my ground. It was always better not to get caught. And I figured if Dreadthorn had any proof it was me, I would be scrubbing slug slime right now.

  There was an awkward silence. Master Dreadthorn was still staring at me over his steepled fingers. I began to fidget. My eyes darted around the room.

  “Um, so, is that all?” I asked finally.

  “Did I dismiss you?” he asked.

  “Uh. No.”

  “Then obviously that is not all,” he answered.

  More silence.

  “So, um. Why am I not dismissed, then?” I asked.

  His eyes bored into my very being.

  “We are waiting,” he said.

  “Oh,” I answered. “For what, exactly?”

  “You shall see.”

  He enjoyed this. I know he did. It was a Master villain thing, making students squirm, keeping them in suspense. He sat perfectly still, just staring at me.

  The tick-tick-tick of the deathwatch beetle was agonizing. I began to wonder if it was my death it was ticking for. The soft snores of Tabs grew more and more irritating, like a faucet dripping. My own breath was loud to my ears. Little beads of sweat trickled down my face. My legs began to ache. I thought I’d go mad with the waiting. And through all the long silence, the Dread Master just stared, unblinking, at me from behind his desk. How did he do that?

  Suddenly, Tabs stopped her snoring and lifted her head alertly.

  “Enter,” my dad said, even before the knock on the door.

  Tabs was flying in excited circles when the door opened and a familiar face peeked inside.

  “Ileana!” I said with surprise. I couldn’t believe it.

  “Rune!” The bubbly blond princess threw her arms around me, hugging me before I could warn her.

  “Ahem!” Master Dreadthorn frowned at us. But then another person entered.

  “Veldin!” said Queen Catalina, Ileana’s mother. Just like her daughter, she ran into the room and threw her arms around my dad. He stood stiffly and patted her awkwardly on the back.

  “Ahem!” I said to him with a smile.

  He shot me a look that was pure venom.

  “What are you guys doing here?” I asked.

  I hadn’t seen Ileana or Queen Catalina since last semester, when my Plot had taken me to their kingdom. Ileana had rescued me … I mean I’d kidnapped her, and despite her ability to talk to flying animals and a tendency to coo over babies, she actually had some villainous potential. She could pick a lock faster than anybody I knew. Plus there was a whole history between my dad and Queen Catalina involving forbidden love and a bunch of other gushy stuff. Hence the hugging.

  “You didn’t tell him?” Queen Catalina asked my dad.

  Tabs flew into her arms, and she caressed the purring cat-a-bat. I thought it was kind of odd. Tabs usually didn’t purr like that unless you had a chunk of sheep liver in your pocket.

  “Tell me what?” I asked.

  “Mother’s enrolled me,” Ileana said. “I’m going to villain school!”

  I remembered what Jezebel had said about construction in the girls’ dorms and added security. Now I knew who the important new student was. Wait till Jez found out that someone who outranked her was moving in. It was guaranteed to get ugly. I’d have to make popcorn.

  “That’s totally wicked!” I said.

  Ileana dived in for another hug. Her honey-colored hair brushed my cheek. She smelled like peaches. There was another ahem from my dad. I just looked helplessly at him and shrugged. He scowled at me anyway.

  “Rune, you’ll escort Queen Catalina and the princess to the girls’ corridor. No hugging in the halls. That is all.”

  Chapter Three

  Passages and Underpants

  Despite his warning, Queen Catalina threw her arms around me as soon as the door closed behind us.

  “Look at you!” she said. “You’ve already grown in just a few short months. You’re quite the strapping young villain!”

  I blushed and mumbled a thank-you. Villains aren’t good with compliments. Luckily I was saved by the arrival of Jezebel. She stopped suddenly, her eyes darting from me to Ileana and back to me.

  “What is she doing here?” asked Jez, almost accusingly.

  There was no mistaking who Jez meant. Her eyes drilled into the princess. Ileana and Jezebel weren’t exactly best friends. They’d formed a temporary truce for our Plot, but I was guessing that wouldn’t last long now that Ileana was at school.

  “Well, Countess, I’ve just enrolled, so we’ll be seeing a lot of each other,” Ileana said.

  “What!” Jez shouted.

  Just then Master Dreadthorn opened his door.

  “Ah, Countess Jezebel. Come in, please.”

  Jezebel stared at Ileana a moment longer. Ileana smiled at her and waved. Then Jez scowled at me like all this was somehow my fault and disappeared into Master Dreadthorn’s study. I was going to have to do some damage control if I didn’t want to incur the wrath of Countess Dracula.

  “Well, girls’ dorms are this way,” I said to Ileana and the queen.

  “Oh, I know the way,” Queen Catalina said.

  “That’s right,” said Ileana. “You used to go to school here! I want to see all your old hangouts.”

  “It’s been a long time, but I think I can still find my way. Let’s see …”

  And Queen Catalina was leading us on a tour of the school. Of course, I already knew every corner of the place, but it was kind of fun listening to the queen reminisce. She even had some funny stories about her old friends, one of whom was my dad. It was hard to imagine him as a teenager. She’d also been friends with Morgana and Muma Padurii—the gingerbread witch who was mother to my half brother, Chad.

  “And right here was where we practiced enemy interrogation. Those were the days!” Queen Catalina said as we passed a classcave and came to the Great Clock.

  “Oh,” she said, “here’s a secret not many knew in my day.” She studied the grinning monsters, caressing each one with her fingers.

  “Aha!” She pressed the eye of one ugly little imp, and there was a grinding sound. To my total amazement the clock slid aside and revealed a secret passageway.

  “No way!” I said. I couldn’t believe there was a hidden passage behind the Great Clock. I must’ve passed the hideous thing at least a gazillion times a day.

  “Where does it lead?” asked Ileana.

  “Let’s find out,” Queen Catalina said with a smile and a wink.

  She took a torch from the wall, and we followed her into the passage. The clock slid closed behind us.

  The dark corridor went straight for a few paces, then descended in a spiral stairway. The dragonfire torch illuminated shreds of old cobwebs, and our boots left prints in the dusty steps.

  “Doesn’t look like anybody’s been this way in years,” the queen said.

  Down and around we went until we finally reached the bottom of the staircase. Here, a circular room had been carved out of the surrounding rock. It was mostly empty except for a few unlit torches and an old iron door. On the door words had been engraved.

  “What is this place?” I said, running my fingers over the ancient letters.

  “We used to call it the Prophecy Cave,” said the queen, nodding toward the engraving. “Nobody knows for certain when the words were carved there.”

  The queen held up her torch, and we read:

  IN THIS PLACE, INSIDE THESE HALLS

  A TERRIBLE BETRAYAL FALLS.

  FULL-VILLAIN SIBLINGS, TWINS

  ONE THE OTHER’S POWER WINS.

  A LONG-KEPT SECRET IS REVEALED

  TO ONE, THE OTHER TWIN MUST YIELD.

  THE TRAITOR TWIN SHALL BE BETRAYED

  AND VILLAINS INTO HEROES MADE.

  “What does it mean?” asked Ileana.

  “Well, maybe nothing,” said
the queen. “My allies and I found this room a long time ago, but obviously we weren’t the first villains here. Those words have most likely been there for hundreds of years. We used to come here to skip class and have little parties. I didn’t give the prophecy much thought except for the fact that two of my friends were full-villain twins.”

  “Really?” I said.

  “Is that important?” asked Ileana.

  “No,” I said, “it’s just, you know, kind of weird. Full villains are rare. To have both a mother and father who are villains? And twins? That’s really odd.”

  I noticed the queen smiling at me kind of funny. “Rune’s right, so we began to worry that the prophecy might have something to do with my friends. They tried to hide the fact that they were twins, eventually going their separate ways. After a few years, nobody even knew they were related. But of course, nothing ever happened. And from the looks of this place, no one’s read the prophecy in years.”

  “So what’s behind the door?” I asked.

  “Oh, let’s have a look,” Queen Catalina said.

  We pulled at the rusty door. It went slowly. The hinges squealed in protest, but we finally managed to open it. We were standing on a little platform with a set of stone stairs leading down to our left. In front of us was a large cavern. It took me a second to recognize it, then I saw the sleeping form of Fafnir far below. Near him, Custard was prancing around and nipping at his wings.

  “We’re in the dragons’ cavern,” I said. “Wow! It’s a shortcut! When I gather dragonfire, I usually have to go all the way around and down the dungeon stairs. It takes forever. This is way shorter!”

  “I thought you’d like it,” the queen said.

  “So, wait a second. Does my dad know about this shortcut?” I asked.

  “Yes, of course. Why?”

  “And he never told me! This could’ve saved me tons of time,” I said.

  “Well, Veldin has grown into a bit of a crab,” the queen said with a smile.

  Considering he made life miserable for hundreds of students on a daily basis, I thought this was a huge understatement.